[Two Pronged] Unable to forgive my husband for his porn addiction

Rappler’s People section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr. Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in three continents, he has been training with Dr. Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

Your letter of March 22 really hit home. Like the letter-writer’s fiancé, I, too, am Christian. Unlike her, I was not smart enough to ask my husband if there was anything I should know about him before marriage. We married in a Catholic church, our marriage was God-centered, and he vowed to “forsake all others and keep myself only unto you.”

Our wedding did not limit itself to the merely religious; the priest allowed us to share something not from the Bible. Foolishly, we both repeated lines from our favorite poems.

I should have stuck to Bible sayings, like Matthew 5:27-28 — “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”

Why did I not insist he include Psalm 101: 2-3? “I will conduct the affairs of my house with a blameless heart. I will not look with approval on anything that is vile.”

My husband watches porn. I caught him one day. I did not tell him that I did. I also looked at his search history and discovered he has done it many times. I don’t know how I can forgive him. Now the thought of lying next to him in bed feels so gross, but I have to, because if not, he will discover that I violated his privacy.   

Pornography has no place in our marriage. Please help save my marriage.                  

— Devastated wife

Dear Devastated wife (DW),

It is frequently the case that those relying on biblical quotes to bolster their arguments conveniently, if understandably, cherry-pick from a source that can actually support myriad contradictory stances. And so, while of course the Bible does not encourage pornography, there are many quotes that are not so draconian but more understanding and forgiving of human frailties. 

For example, Colossians 3:13 (ESV): “Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive” and Ephesians 4:31-32 (ESV): “Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” However, your situation, DW, is unlikely to be resolved by recourse to religious debate and judgment, so perhaps we need to look to 21st-century, rather than 1st-century, solutions. 

But what is your situation? The majority of your letter is devoted to an analysis of the inadequacies of your marriage ceremony and vows. While this may be of historic interest, if only to you, I would suggest that no matter what form this ceremony had taken, you would, in all likelihood, be facing this same problem today. Your husband entered into a “God-centered” marriage after all, whatever the precise form of words, and yet here you are, confronted by an erring spouse.

Having discovered his porn habit, you say that you have not told him of your discovery because to do so would require you to reveal you have violated his privacy, a decision that condemns you to lying next to him, something you now find gross. You may piously proclaim that pornography has no place in your marriage, but not acknowledging its existence is no way to resolve its presence. 

It seems that if you truly want to save your marriage and move forward, you will have to grasp the nettle and confront him. It may require difficult conversations, time, and even therapy, but burying your head in the sand is simply not the way to tackle behavior that you find this troubling.

All the best,

JAFBaer

Dear DW (Devastated wife):

Thank you very much for your letter. You ask us to “Please save your marriage,” and I will try to do so, if that is really what you want.

But is it, DW?

The overriding feeling I get from you is disgust, DW. You mention no positive feelings for your husband (let’s call him Jason) in your letter; no “on the other hand” or “despite this” to counteract your disgust over Jason’s behavior. 

It’s as if all you want to do is remind Jason of the fire, hell, and brimstone coming his way unless he changes.  

These MAIN feelings you have for Jason will not save your marriage, DW. You and he are equal partners; your relationship won’t be worth saving if you are judge, jury, and executioner, and he the guilty party. 

Perhaps the most important step, before even confronting Jason with your discovery, is to ask yourself why your feelings about pornography are so extreme. There is no room for nuance, for digging deeper, for being open to possible explanations…not only of Jason’s behavior, but of yours.

Once you are able to see that meeting him from a place of curiosity rather than of judgment is the way to move forward, then by all means, talk to him about your feelings.

You can be hurt, disappointed, even — ulp! — outraged as long as these are mere openers, not conclusions, and as long as you are ready to listen and not just “share.”

You might start out with something like this:

“Jason, I noticed you were watching porn the other day. I couldn’t bring this up earlier because I was so upset; I felt you were not the man I thought you were. I have trouble wrapping my head around your porn watching, maybe you could help me understand things better?”

“I probably do many things that upset you, too. Could you tell me what they are so that we can learn from each other? I want to know more about you, about us.”

In other words, dearest DW, do you think you could connect with Jason starting from a place of curiosity, rather than a place of judgment?

Hopefully, your being curious about “why” would evolve to both of you being curious about “what if.”

What if, instead of judging him, I watch some porn with him?  How might I feel? How might Jason feel? 

What if, instead of talking about how disappointed and disgusted I feel, I also listen to his possible reasons for watching porn?  Might it be a way to alleviate boredom? Loneliness?

I cannot guarantee that approaching Jason this way will save your marriage, but I am sure it will have a greater chance of success than doing it with rage. So, how about it, dearest DW?

All the best,

MG Holmes

– Rappler.com